Hello all! My name is Kerissa Brady, and I am a Student Ambassador. This morning, at roughly 2:30am, I was standing on my deck, sipping a snow cold beer, and watching pale green lights flow across the sky. I focused on the beauty, and the silence, and allowed myself to think. There has been a heavy feeling in my chest these last few weeks, like a dull burning, that I haven’t allowed myself to focus on for more than a guilty second or two. It only took me a few minutes, standing there in the isolated cold, to push all the distractions from my mind, and focus on what has been bothering me. And this is it. 
There is a trend in my life that frustrates me; to be honest, it’s a serious fault. I’ve been told that this fault is common among college students, and difficult to avoid, BUT (and here’s the kicker) - not impossible to conquer. My problem is this: I am not a finisher. I started this semester strong, with goals, ambition, and great grades. Eventually (say…about midterms?), I found myself without energy. I started avoiding my homework. It became increasingly difficult to write my essays. I have started to feel like I’m failing, and the notion has put me in such a grip of paralysis that eventually, if I don’t make some changes, I will actually cause myself to fail. It’s almost like watching a car skid across ice, heading toward oncoming traffic – you can see the impending crash, and you know someone’s going to get hurt, but you can’t seem to move. You don’t call 911, you don’t run toward the scene – you just stand, frozen, and watch it all fall apart. How did this happen to my perfect semester? 
When I started this semester, I was registered for 16 credits, and working part time as a Student Ambassador. Through our Ambassador diversity training, I found that Mat-Su College has no GSA (Gay Straight Alliance), and I started asking around to see if there was an interest/need to start one. I was completely taken aback at the supportive response! The GSA took off running, and I couldn’t be more proud of my fellow students, and the community building goals we are already putting into action. But, in keeping with honesty, it’s not hard to see how the sudden influx of friends and projects has joined forces with my procrastination, and inability to finish, and have snowballed into a 9-car-pileup for my education.
It would have been easy to tell myself I was a victim of social responsibilities. I know that isn’t true. I can’t put any form of blame on my friends, our club, my work, or even my 16 credit semester. What this comes down to, I realized, is the paralysis. Everyone is busy – be it friends, work, family, school, or the inimitable need for downtime, you and I each have endless amounts of projects to keep us busy. Is it uncommon for us to fall behind in school, while trying to balance everything that pulls for our energy and time? NO. It is very common, and very treatable – as long as the problem isn’t ignored! Like silently creeping mold in your fridge – it’s only going to get uglier until you do something about it. It just took me some silence, cold wind, and a magic light show to focus on the solution. 
Previous to my Aurora Borealis epiphanies, I was talking to a friend who shares my English class. I was ashamed at the time to tell him that I couldn’t do peer reviews for our 12 page essays, because I have yet to write mine. The advice that he gave me was spot on – although, at the time, I couldn’t bring myself to push past my depression and really let it soak in. To quote my friend, whose wisdom far exceeds my own: “Experiencing is believing as they say, and in that sense we can craft and shape who we are, in a way that we would like, via the intentional experiencing of certain experiences.”
Earlier in this conversation, my friend had told me that he recently battled his own education paralysis, due to relationship troubles. His solution? Just do it. Make it happen. Stop avoiding, and start pushing. I was told that I am living my own life, paying in time and money for these decisions, and it is up to me, and me alone, whether I push myself to sit down and write something, or do nothing, and allow the guilt to push me into an education disaster. Thinking back to it now, he couldn’t be more correct. Everything is an experience, even this very expensive procrastination slump. Am I enjoying this side of the college experience? Nope. So it’s time to change it. With force. With focus. With intention.
It is my intention to experience graduation this year. It is my intention to experience time with my friends, and working with the Gay Straight Alliance. It is my intention to experience good grades. It is my intention to experience the freedom to breathe, without the guilt of projects I have ignored, and assignments I have pushed aside. So? It’s time to start pushing. :)
If any of you have felt the same this semester, I hope you can gain from what I’ve determined, and the advice my friend has given. If you feel like you’ve lost sight of your goals, or you’ve fallen so far behind that there’s no point – don’t give up! Don’t let it beat you. If you need an ally to encourage you, to help you push back, let us know – send an email to matsuambassadors@gmail.com , or stop by our info desk next week. And if any of my fellow students happen to be taking a break from late night studying, or maybe from the healthy balance of your social/work/school life – take a peek outside in the early hours. For any of you who are lacking motivation, there’s something undeniably beautiful about that minty green film of light, which just might inspire a little strength and dedication. :)
Your fellow student,
Kerissa Brady
Student Ambassador
Student Ambassador
1 comments:
This is one of the hardest things to fight against, I haaaate it. It's so hard to fight your way out of! Good post.
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